Sprinting Towards The Savior

11 May

There are certain days, like today, where I am stuck at work while all of my friends are enjoying life outside of the compound that is the 3:45-6:00pm shift at Derrick Hall. I know, I know, who wants to read about a white boy complaining about how hard working a 2 hour shift is?

No one.

So I’m going to talk about something else instead.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a disconnection with God.

EEERRKK!!!

Yes, that loud screech you heard is the sound of my Saturn Vue smashing to a halt and swiftly turning about 180 in conversation. At the beginning of this semester my relationship with God was on the Hogwarts Express bound towards awesomeness. I had never felt so alive, so loved, and so happy in my life. The company I was keeping was only helping water and grow this watermelon sized lump of a feeling. However, in the last few days I’ve felt that the watermelon season is over, the train has screetched to a halt, the whick that held the fire in me has been extinguished between two fingers.

I hate to admit it, but I feel like God has left the building.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is not true. That this is one of those weeks that all Christians go through time and again. It sucks though. It truly, truly sucks. The thing I love about being a Christian and about being a part of God’s kingdom is that I always have someone with me. I am never alone. This week though, I have felt alone. I have been stuck in my head with only my negative thoughts. Again, it sucks. Today though, I decided to make a change. Right when I got off from my work shift I went for a jog. If you know me, you know I don’t jog. I can probably count on my right hand the number of times I have jogged this semester. Today though, I went jogging.

I needed to try and see if somewhere along that stretch of Post Road I could find God.

I did.

A little more than 5 paces into my run, I began to pray. The hardest prayer I’ve prayed in a long time. I asked God to give me the strength to help myself, to help others, to make this sinking feeling of loneliness go away. After that prayer (and chasing a chihauaua through a trailer park), it hit me. If God needs me to be in this depressive state to further his spirit in me, let me be in this depressive state.

With this realization, I sweatily went into this rundown graveyard that is near my apartment complex. I walked through the headstones and found a bench next to the Garcia’s plot. I sat down and began to thank God for letting me be able to feel the way I feel. I thanked him for letting me be sad, for letting me worry about others, for letting me be able to feel at all. If it weren’t for Him in my life, there would be no point in wanting to feel again.

This seems like an awkward place to leave things, but I don’t really know what else to say past all that.

A verse that has helped me some this week has been Psalm 37: 23-24

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand”

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3 Responses to “Sprinting Towards The Savior”

  1. Bonnie May 12, 2011 at 3:45 AM #

    love this!!!! this was great! when did you right this? so mature! and wise! im so proud of you.

    • zackarywilburn May 12, 2011 at 7:12 PM #

      Thanks, B! That means a lot to me! And this post was from a while back. I finally just posted it.

  2. KK May 13, 2011 at 12:03 AM #

    I’m proud of you. To be able to thank God in all circumstances shows great spiritual growth and maturity.

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