Jersey Shore: Let Me Count Thy Spray Tan Cans

30 Aug

It’s a simple (and relatively inexpensive) formula for success: 8 strangers + tricked out house + alcohol; shake, don’t stir. Cha-ching, ratings! That’s why MTV has stuck with it since the  equation was put to the test with the debut of The Real World in ’92. So why has Jersey Shore, which has stuck to the formula, blown up, not just into a ratings piñata or cultural phenomena, but a cultural brand and lifestyle? 3 seasons and 5 fourth season episodes in and this spray tanned gorilla shows no sign of stopping.

If you’re able to sit down long enough and analyze the equation, some startling facts are revealed that actually spell out why America has fallen in love lust psychosis with the kids from Jersey.


He has yet to show his green, cotton-stuffed face since the move to Florence, but this season 3 scene-stealer may very well be the unsung hero of the Shore. No matter what the tone of the house, Crocodilly is always down for a good time. Be it a prank war, snuggles with mama (Snook’s), or a trip to Vinny’s twin bed, this croc is levels above the buzz kill that was Angelina. And c’mon, what’s a guidette without a juiced up Build-A-Bear?

Deena’s Coordination 

She flashed The Situation her baked lasagna 23 minutes into the season 3 opener, therefore, you knew she was gonna be crazy. But, for all her girl on girl make-out sessions, tireless efforts at trying to spin her own catchphrase  (Golden Ticket?), and attempts at persuading the house she really is part of their “family,” it’s her coordination that gets her a spot on this list. When the girl’s drunk she makes Michael J. Fox look as steady as the economies downfall.

Ronnie’s Personalities 

Honestly, the producers at MTV could fill up an entire shore house with the personalities that Ronnie  Ortiz-Magro has to offer.

  1. Single Ronnie – the one good storyline from Miami was the night that “Single Ronnie” was let out of the condo. He was fun, he was snookin’ for love, he was quite possibly feeling the effects of a kilo. Thus creating…
  2. Sloppy Joe – the Mr. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll, “Sloppy Joe” gave us one of the most disgusting triple kisses since MTV aired one on Teen Mom, or Next, or Room Raiders (MTV loves a good triple kiss).
  3. Rammi  – the Ronnie we’ve known the longest has been the Ronnie that has been in a relationship with Sammi. The only good thing about this Ronnie is that it always entices Sammi to let a good “STAAAAAHHPPPPP” slip out during an argument.

Lost In Translation

Snooki, a map, a foreign land, perfection. The most brilliant move by MTV is sticking the cast in Florence, Italy. The guido movement could still be argued as a foreign culture in America, so it’s only fair to give the cast a new culture to attempt to understand… and sleep with. If you weren’t hooked after Sammi and Deena misunderstood an H&M for the Vatican, than you obviously were browsing the channels on your way to an NCIS repeat on TNT.

Jersey Turnpike 

Alright, Deena gave us something good. Season 1 gave us the fist pump and beating the beat. Season 2 gave us absolutely nothing (Like Sammi, I’m still a little bitter about Miami). Now, season 3 has given us the Jersey Turnpike. What was once a simple highway system for housewives and guidos alike is now the hottest dance move to drunkenly grace the floors of Karma. The dance is a simple formula as well: head down, ass up. With two simple rules it makes sense that our Italian friends love it so much. It’s hard to dougie and chicken noodle soup with a cup full of the-duck-phone-is-going-to-wake-me-up-at-3-in-the-afternoon-I’ll-regret-this-in-the-morning staring you straight in the face. All a Jerseyite needs for a perfect night now is a straw.

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